Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.