Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
jesus, what did this guy do
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Saturday
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen