Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I really had high hopes for this year though
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…