ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
me when the borders lift
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok