me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
You Might Also Like
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
The internet is full of many things
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.