Sharing is caring, unless you’re coming for my phone charger.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
*Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump*
Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.