@PleaseBeGneiss

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

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@lovstructionist

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

@AristotlesNZ

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@_corichardson

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@pixelatedboat

*Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump*
Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!

@AndyAsAdjective

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*