[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
You Might Also Like
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me when my alarm goes off
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.