how do lawyers argue without crying
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy