ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Breaking news:
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see