Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”