Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Co-worker: “hey, how’s the diet going”
Me: looks up with mouth full polystyrene beans from the office beanbag
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”