My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
crazy
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Brilliant!