@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

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@michelleisawolf

This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.

@Mom_Overboard

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@Iwriteforcats

The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.

@KittyShittyy

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

@1Bad_Scientist

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@ddsmidt

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

@freedom2726

* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.