Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no


Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.


You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.


Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.


Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun


My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.


Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button


My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.


NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks