@LindaInDisguise

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

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@DadZZZasleep

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

@sheekaxo

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

@SaltyCorpse

You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.

@FSUSteve

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

@LoriLuvsShoes

Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@Jason_Horton

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

@MountainDouche

My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.

@ericsshadow

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks