Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
This did not end as expected.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial