@Dishasatra

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

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@joerogan

I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@KeetPotato

wife: we should go before you saying something stupid
me: ok
wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service
me: yeah lets do this again sometime

@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@donjuantip

Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

@Wakenbake77

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

@KoKeniSasquatch

You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.

Sorry but thems the truth.