@Dishasatra

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

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@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@behindyourback

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

@FU_TangClan

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who ๐Ÿ˜‰

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one ๐Ÿ™

@Lisabug74

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead theyโ€™re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

@Thrill_Tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

@TheCatWhisprer

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

@notviking

yโ€™all just mad because iโ€™m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it

@TweetPotato314

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

@maymay72x

my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..

someones not getn laid tonight.