Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

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Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”


If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”


boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who ๐Ÿ˜‰

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one ๐Ÿ™


I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead theyโ€™re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.


[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”


The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.


yโ€™all just mad because iโ€™m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it


[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?


my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..

someones not getn laid tonight.