I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
wife: we should go before you saying something stupid
wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service
me: yeah lets do this again sometime
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
You know America you kinda brought Bieber on yourselves. There’s not enough Canadians to make him go viral.
Sorry but thems the truth.