1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..
someones not getn laid tonight.