Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
british sex workers really pound for pound
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Spa day..😅
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me