Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?