@KylePlantEmoji

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

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@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

@BoogTweets

A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado

@JillianKarger

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

@GrantTanaka

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

@tastefactory

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

@GrantTanaka

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

@CarolineMoss

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

@Ideal_Victoria

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

@SaltyCorpse

BREAKING:

My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.