Me đ
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me đ
You Might Also Like
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:âŚ
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! đđ
If you didnât want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldnât have had a cash bar
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didnât realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset sheâs not part puppy* itâs fine, Iâm fine
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
cat owners will hear their cat go âprrrpâ in a certain tone and be like âoh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned onâ
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.