@Playing_Dad

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

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@jergarl

Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:…

W: Idiot.

@ChrisScarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”

THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN

@DirtMcTurd

My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday

@stephenjmolloy

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

@KyleMcDowell86

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point