Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I have obtained a hat
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Somebody’s lying.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.