Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..
M: How did you..
W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
She’s constantly mad at me
“There are squirrels living in our house”
THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN
My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point