Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
That’s not how days work.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.