ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.