@Holy_Mowgli

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

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@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

@Smooheed

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@TweetPotato314

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

@BillCorbett

Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.