The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
You Might Also Like
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.
Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.
Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
When your parents check you’re ok.