me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
You Might Also Like
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Ummm
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
vegan witches, happy halloween!