@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

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@jonnycarr1974

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

@rolldiggity

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

@MzCoburn

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

@iamnoturbf

another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem

@cuckoo_cachu

Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I’m putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.

@KeetPotato

[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
“banjo”
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]

@_little_old_me

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

@jenlaw_11

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so