Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem
Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I’m putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so