me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
You Might Also Like
good let them take over I have had enough
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
won’t smith
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Life hack
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I’m Sold!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.