When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.