ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.


Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*


Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.


911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.


Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!


I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.


I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar


[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?


Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.


My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.