ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
You Might Also Like
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.