Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*offers Batman cough drops*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.