me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Every haunted house movie:
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
What a website
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us