@thenatewolf

Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die

You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?

Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them

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@radtoria

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

@rolldiggity

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.

@BrandonEsWolf

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@UnFitz

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?