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@MikeBigby: ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
@marsboyroy: Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I've rolled.
@T_Bonezzz_: Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Me: I have a dog...
Her: Get in I'll drive
@TrueQuixote: I'm not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to "I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE". Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
@Tommytoughstuff: "Have a seat"
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
"Dad I..." **Dad puts up hand* "Please don't call me that."
@edgarrants: My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter...
Now I'm lucky if she buys cereal.