ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
water it, i dare you
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old