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@MikeBigby: ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
@SirEviscerate: *shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits 'stop recording' on outgoing voicemail message*
@doubledgedildo: [dollar store]
"how much for your finest dollar?"
@TheAlexNevil: *washes up on a deserted island
*swims back out to sea
@rzarosco: "We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys" said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
@RichHarris2: You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.