@LizHackett

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

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@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@SamuelHLowe

If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.

@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

@mister_blank

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

@mansizedthumbs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

@Amburglar_

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

@PinkCamoTO

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

@jazmasta

That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?