Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine….imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?