ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun