Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.