Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Liquor Store Parking
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.