me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.