Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
The Others (2001)
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.