Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop


If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries


Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
M: ….


Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot


14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
12: Forget it.

The end.


I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.


*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.


This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…