Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries
Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
14: Wanna play a game?
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.
I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…