me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
You Might Also Like
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
😅😅😅
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
is this meant to deter me
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.