me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything