Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep