me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Encore…
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you