me: my friend died in her sleep ūüôĀ

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.


Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings


Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you ‚ÄúHorse‚ÄĚ.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick


me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you


Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this.

Just going to walk away from my mirror now.


[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure


I‚Äôm starting to think that this $49.95 ‚ÄúLandmarks of Europe Tour‚ÄĚ might be bullshit.


When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.


I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.