Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this.
Just going to walk away from my mirror now.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.