[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
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I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight
Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”
Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?
Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.