me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*