@pilau

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

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@ariscott

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

@chrissyteigen

I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight

@fart

Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts

@TweetPotato314

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

@rinbcage

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

@david8hughes

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

@Schmoodles

I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”

Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁

@junejuly12

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

@Sirrruh

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.