@notacroc

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

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@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@LinajkReturns

If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.

@BoogTweets

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

@BoogTweets

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

@MaraWritesStuff

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

@Abusitron

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@chrisdelia

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

@mactx85

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.