Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My birth announcement for our third baby
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.