[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.
You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.