My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*
*adds “Historian” to bio*
HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers