ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Weirdly Wednesday.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”