Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

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Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.


[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.


My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.


I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.


Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?


Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off

*pushes button on keys*

*alarm turns off*


What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since


“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”