Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off
*pushes button on keys*
*alarm turns off*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation