Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!