@momthoughts13

Me: My head is killing me

My brain: You’ve had zero water today, destroyed your liver last night, haven’t eaten much real food, and have finished almost an entire pot of coffee

Me: I think I’ll make more coffee. Then maybe a beer.

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@Chumpstring

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@PleaseBeGneiss

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@UncleDuke1969

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

@CrockettForReal

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.