Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
what day is it?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Sing it!
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
oppen heimer style lol
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?