me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*jazz hands*
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.