I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE