@captainkalvis

me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber

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@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@TeaPainUSA

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

@wonggloong

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

@dianaaadee

netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex

@Fred_Delicious

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there