creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.
me: my hot water doesn’t work
landlord: not my domain
firelord: nor mine
waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS
me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work
waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I’m more hampster than gangster according to autocorrect
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there