I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up