My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If you know, you know
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself