Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year