me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.


Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.


This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.


So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.


In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.


You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances


Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things


1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store


I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.


If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.