me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Well well well…
Childbirth is so beautiful
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.